In my thanksgiving feelings

Posted by jae720 on December 10, 2018 · 1 Comment 

It’s taken me a while to post this, because I didn’t want anyone to get mad. But these are my feelings so fuck you.

I’m gonna go with, thanksgiving has me in my feelings. Let’s blame it on that first of all. Even tho it’s just me being me.

I’ve never wanted to be a part of something so bad and felt like such an outsider at the same time. All I want is to be someone’s family. Be a small part of the big picture, ya know? And not the type of family that I have, where everyone does their own thing and just get together on holidays or when someone gets married or dies. They type of family that talks every day. That cares what’s going on in your life, good or bad. That helps you when you need it and accepts help when they need it. The type of family that says I love you every time they talk, and means it. That has your back whenever, wherever. The kind of people that love as much as they are loved.

But I’m not a part of anything like that. Lol, not even close. I’ve tried. God, I’ve fuckin tried. But I think I’m starting to realize that it’s just not in the cards for me. I think it’s something you have to be born into. The closest I’ve ever been was when I was a kid. The Spenner’s accepted me as their own. Legit. Linda loved me like she gave birth to me. And I appreciate that more than she will ever know. Now don’t get me wrong, my mom loves me and has been there for me in the clutch. But we aren’t close. We don’t really talk. Brothers and sisters are the same. My sister Taylor is really the only sibling I talk to. And that’s not much. I feel like I’ve tried to strengthen that bond but she’s just so damn far away. (Oh yeah, my mom, step-dad, and little brother and sister moved from Indiana to South Carolina in the beginning of 2006, right after I had my daughter.)

I’m rambling, back to the subject. I want so bad to be a part of a family. I feel all alone out here. (Props to my Aunt Jenny tho. She’s the real MVP here. Giving me a roof over my head and watching my whining ass dog while I’m over here, chasing dreams I’ll never catch. Lol) Things were so different when Jeremiah was in jail. I was a part of the family. I had a family. My daughter, my love, baby Miah, Seester, Momma Tina… and so many more. But then, as usual, my life came crashing down.

In just a few short months I lost my job, my child, my house, and my love. All I had left was my POS Jeep and my whining ass dog. (Lol, I joke. She’s the best fuckin dog ever. Really, she’s kept me from some dark places in the last 3 1/2 years.) When my love was gone, that sense of “family” was gone too. And try as I might, I can’t seem to get it back. That’s where the “chasing dreams” shit comes in. Because no matter how long I stay here at Jeremiah’s, no matter how much I love him and his family, I will probably never be a part of it again. Not like I was. Mainly because idk wtf is going on between Jeremiah and I.

“If you don’t love me, then leave me. But Baby, please don’t go.”

I can see it in the way he looks at me. He does try, I’ll give him that. But it’s gone. For him, not for me. My love for him is stronger than it’s ever been. The more I’m around him the stronger it gets. And it would have been the same for him too.. but like all good things in my life, I fucked that up.

I can hear it in the way he talks to me. Or should I say, the things he doesn’t say to me anymore. Like the way he used to call me “Babeee”, or when he would tell me he loves me “So Fuckin Much!”, and telling me he loves me for no reason. I don’t get that anymore.

I can feel it in the way he touches me. Sigh, when he touches me. It all feels so forced a lot of the time. We have good days, and horrible days I guess. But I tend to “over feel” things.

I know, tho I choose to ignore, that this isn’t working. I mean, I even have a How I Know You Don’t Love Me list. Smh. And the best part of that is, he wouldn’t even read it if I showed it to him. And if he did, he wouldn’t say a damn thing in response. I get no answers. No responses. No reactions. Nothing but questions redirected at me. Blame shifted back at me for what I did to him. Completely one sided shit. Double standards to the max. It’s fuckin so ridiculous. Lol. Like completely ridiculous I’m even sitting here in his room right now, the stupid shit I’m putting up with just to be next to him. And I for sure don’t understand what I’m doing, so I don’t expect anyone else to. If by chance you do, please fill me in, lol. But I cannot stay away from him. He is like a drug to me.

I constantly think about him. I can’t fucking stand the thought of him being with another bitch. He is my best friend. Or was. Idk. I love him to death and I would do anything and everything I can for him. Have done everything and anything I can for him. And I will until he makes me stop probably. Because I don’t think I could bring myself to leave him. He is the only person that I love that I have left from the life I miss so damn much.

The sooner I accept that life is gone, the better off I’ll be, I’m sure. But, at this point, I do not accept it. I will not give up, I can’t. I’ve given up on everything my entire life. And I fucked some shit up, I know, but I did more good than bad in our relationship. I feel like the good outweighed the bad. It was so hard, him not being there with me, helping me. But I did it. All. By my damn self. Supporting all of us. Me and Ryann at home and him in jail. I gave everything I had, and then some that I didn’t. I was there for him when he needed me. I kept his shit safe, just like I promised. I “took care” of things his family needed whenever they asked. I went above and beyond what any other bitch would have done for him. But it doesn’t matter now. Because my family is gone.

Filed under Life Expected